Ten months later, I still exist.

I can’t believe how long it has been since I have spoken with you all. I have a different job, a different house, a different town, another ferret, and soon another major in school.

I don’t even know where to begin.

Since being a care giver on third shift I spent a month training with the police department. After that I started and graduated from dental assistant school. A day after graduation I landed a job about an hour and a half away from where I lived, but 20ish minutes away from my significant other.

I moved in with my significant other and now I’m in the outskirts of the metro.

I’ve decided to switch my major from AODA counseling to Dental Hygiene. I’m in the process of changing schools as we speak.

I am still sober. In October it will be 5 years. Don’t let the change in degrees mislead you.

Right now I am just waiting for May 15th, aka the last day of semester here. I’m really over driving almost 2 hours to get to a class I have no interest in.

I’m still dealing with an eating disorder. After a transitional lull in fitness between October & March,  I have finally started to work with a personal trainer again. It is not easy starting over.

My next step is attempting a ‘paleo’ diet. So far its in the baby step phase where I am cutting out bread & potato products. Sweet Jesus, that is most of my existence.

How has everyone else been?

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Illness, allergies, parking lot assault, and dietary failures.

This week has been a bit rough. I’m at a loss trying to figure out where to begin.

Since I am a care giver, every now and again I tend to catch a bug from one of my clients. Beginning around last Thursday a brilliant and miserable cold began developing. By Friday, lungs weren’t an option. I even had to reschedule my training session. That is something i did not want to do, but I was sure my trainer would appreciate me not nose fauceting on her iron. This in combination with standard summer allergies and the inability to remedy symptoms pharmaceutically (fatal reactions with daily medications), makes for a generally useless me.

It was Friday and I managed to convince my SO to come up and visit me. I was super relieved because if I didn’t see him this weekend, I may not see him for a few weeks because our schedules will be getting hectic.

The last time we were together we got into an argument (which never happens, I’m a total pushover, also I avoid confrontation unless it is professional) and he took the ferrets and left yelling “I’m moving on”. Which in man brain meant “I’m moving on from the conversation.” and in girl brain meant “I’m moving on from the relationship.”

I seriously spent a solid 15 or so hours believing I was single and was tremendously heart broken. Solid crying, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, my favourite music sucked because it made me think of him, stress vomiting, you name it. That in itself is pretty eye opening. I try my best to emotionally distance myself to a point where I won’t have those feelings. Whoops. Guess I dropped the ball on that one. The next morning I sent him an apology text and proceeded to verify details to make sure we were on the same page. We weren’t. His man brain was confused as ever, but after I explained my perspective he understood. It was official: we were cool…. good.

Fast forward.

I’m sniffles and sleeping in bed. I wake up to my SO home with my fur kids. So happy! We have plans with my family to do summery stuff because it was going to be in the 90’s over the weekend. My SO is handicapped. He cannot walk without crutches, but he can swim. So everyone was looking forward to this.

I lay on the couch generally useless and catch up with my SO. He is hungry and so am I. I have no interest in making things or going anywhere. He suggested Applebee’s to go and I was super excited to get shrimp and salmon without having to leave my couch and kleenex. He left at 530pm and I passed out.

I wake up in the 9’s and he still hasn’t come home. I text him a weird dream I had. No response. I call him. No answer. I only called once because I don’t want to come off as the crazy girlfriend. Honestly, there are a lot of things I do and don’t do to avoid giving off that vibe. Especially now, the first time I have seen him since I thought we broke up. Anyway, Applebees is one of his favorites. They also have wifi and he is a gamer. The game he plays has certain missions at certain times, so I just chalked it up to he was at the bar at Applebees talking to whomever (he loves to talk and he never shuts up, especially when alcohol is added) and likely playing his game on his phone and that was why he didn’t respond….Makes sense.

I woke up again a little after 2am. He’s still not home. I call. No answer. Ok. Something is not right. He hasn’t been home. His meds are due. This means he’s missed at least two doses. If he was out drinking, he best not be driving. I peel out of bed and dress myself. Stumbling and bumping into walls I try desperately to overcome the vertigo that is shaking my brain like a magic 8 ball.

I get down the complex hall and down the stairs to find the building door is open. Looking further into the distance I see my SO’s truck in the parking lot. Then I realize the door is being propped open with a crutch. As my sleepy brain is trying to process this information I hear a noise coming from outside.

Faintly in the darkness I hear incoherent mumblings. I step out of the building unsure of the situation and poising myself for the unknown. My eyes follow the noise. Steadily they begin to focus in the lack of light. It was my SO leaning against the building. He was nowhere near his crutches. He was dazed and incoherent. I call out his name but he doesn’t respond. I come in closer, but with caution. I get his attention. He looks at me and almost falls over. Half his face is blood.

I instantly shift into caregiver mode. I do not let him know how bad he looks. I do not show any sign that deep down I think I may be dying a bit seeing this. No. Right now, I have shit to do.

Assess situation. Assure person is disarmed. Apply pressure to known bleeding.

My SO is incoherent. He is somewhat combative because he doesn’t know what’s going on. His body is awake and his mind dips in and out. I can’t talk to him like a girlfriend. I have to talk to him like a drill sergeant.


Gimping and tipping we get into the building and into the light. He stops and takes a lean against the wall mentally preparing himself for stairs. I pull out my phone and begin taking pictures of the damages.

“What are you taking pictures for?”



I show him a picture of his face.

“Wait. That’s me? WTF?”

After what felt like a circus event to get him up the stairs we were in our apartment.

I took pictures of his wounds and we did what we could for the head bleeding. While trying to take care of his condition I was trying to piece together how bad his condition was. Was he acting the way he was because of being drunk or from head trauma? or both?

My SO did not know what happened. He knew he didn’t make it to applebees. He knew he went to the bar next door for the meat raffle instead. He knew he didn’t win anything. He didn’t know where I found him. He didn’t know things I had told him. He would ask me a question that I had previously answered and I would say “You know the answer. What did I tell you?” and he wouldn’t know. Red flag.

“Okay. Here’s the plan. We are going to the ER. Do I need to grab anything of yours?”


“Ok. Let’s go.”

We get to the car and he gets buckled in.

“Where are we going?”

“What did I tell you?”

“We should go to the police.”

“We need to get you fixed up. You can talk to an officer there. If I take you to the police station they will just call an ambulance and no one can afford that.”

“Yeah. Do you know where you’re going?”

“I got this. You just chill.”

We get to the Emergency room and he ends up needing 4 stitches around his eyebrow area. He has a concussion. He has scrapes and bruises through out his body.

A police report was filed, but there isn’t much that can be done.

All we know is there are six hours that my SO does not remember. He has defensive scratches on the backs of his hands. He has a head wound. He has a concussion. He was found too far away from his crutches to have gone on his own. He was missing $100. There are 2 solid hours documented on his fitbit where he is flat out unconscious.

This was assault. What scares me most is that we will never know who or why. We will never know what would possess someone to beat a handicapped veteran in his own doorway and leave him in the dark in a bush leaned against a wall.

The weekend has been dedicated to making sure he is comfortable. His eye is swollen shut. His body aches far worse than usual. His concussion has screwed up his sleep and he’s had a pretty solid headache. He has been getting sensations of overheating and has been sweating. It’s been a lot of up-downs.

Needless to say, I haven’t had it in me to exercise and I’ve had some less than healthy dietary choices this weekend.

Oy. Here’s to hoping for a better week.


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Happy June, Everyone!

Still training hard.

Today was my third day in a row with my trainer and I did super well. My burpees were on point and I didn’t choke out, which is a first. I weighed myself this morning. The scale read 164.1 . I can’t even believe it!

I went to the doctor yesterday to discuss my binge eating problem. She prescribed me topimax to hopefully suppress my appetite. It’s only day two, so I cant say I’ve really noticed any difference yet, except that soda feels super weird in my mouth. I don’t quite know how to describe it.

I’m still working the Nutrisystem. So far so good. Although I’m starting to get more snacky cravy feelings as the days go on. This might be due to getting a wrench thrown in my sleep pattern. I’m hoping to get back to resetting it as the days progress.

I’m super sore. Holy man. At least I’m having a good butt day thanks to what seems like a million and a half squats, bridges, and deadlifts.

Hope everyone is having a good week.FullSizeRender (1)


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Working on a comeback.

Day 4 of Nutrisystem went well. I haven’t deviated from the diet, which I am proud of seeing as I typically eat everything in sight.

I’m finally reaching the point where I may actually have a set sleeping pattern in place, which is not only helping my functionality, but also my mood.

Yesterday was my rest day. I pretty much did dishes and some light housework. My Fitbit was probably digitally facepalming itself at my pitifully low number. Even my SO (who is handicapped) beat my steps.

The night before last I went for a run. It was the beginning of week 2 in my “Couch to 5K” training. I decided to go at 930pm instead of my usual 230am. Which on a scale of ‘comfortable’ to ‘I need my concealed carry’, was closer to the latter. I live in a bar town. Simultaneously a college town. This means any array of douche canoes can be encountered at any given moment. I had people honking, cat calling, yelling, pulling up next to me in their car, and other all around super uncomfortable encounters. All in a 2 mile run. I’m sure this is amplified by my near non-existence in humanity, but geez!

I signed up for my first 5k the other day. I have walked 5k’s and 10k’s, but have never run one. Small mileage, but a big deal to me. Of course I chose my first run to be “the color vibe” because A: i’ve always wanted to do that, and B: no need to take things too serious. I would like it to be fun. So far, I’m running alone. I invited a few others, no telling if they will join or not. Either way, I’m running my first run.

I had a good arm day at the gym today. That left me with a sense of accomplishment. Tomorrow is back to running. Starting Wednesday, I begin training with my personal trainer 3x a week. I AM SO EXCITED.

In other news. My SO told me that he will pay for me to get my CNA. I just registered for classes in the fall. I was hoping to be able to take the classes over summer, but nothing fit with my work schedule. The only one that fit with work was in June and there is a week in June that I will be doing a week long recovery coach training and will not be available. So, fall semester will be intense. Come Christmas time I will be a certified recovery coach, a certified nurses aid, and still be in the makes of becoming an AODA counselor. (…and in my day dreaming fantasies… a body builder.)

That’s all I have for now.

Hope everyone is having a great week.



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Oh, migraine season. Thankfully my head is only bursting at the seams instead of my usual full blown ‘wear sunglasses in the house and try not to puke on myself’ kind of migraine. Summer does this to me. All the constant pressure changes. Wahhh.

I had a super intense leg day with my trainer this morning. I still feel it. I’m pretty sure I will tomorrow too. I wish my trainer would warn me ahead of time when it will be leg day. I was gimpy-limpy-trotting home from the gym. Normally I just walk, but my muscles game overed. Haha. I was so Igor-tastic even the mail lady had to have a giggle as she watched me struggle home!

Thankfully, FedEx finally figured out what was going on and they brought me my food. I’m back on day 2 of my Nutrisystem program. So far, so good.

I’m getting more excited as I’m finally starting to see something I like in the mirror. It’s been a long time.

progress gym bod may 27 16

Sorry if this is more of me than you want to see, but I’m starting to see results and it is super exciting.


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Improvements are happening. A little at a time.

I’m sincerely hoping that my series of setbacks has finally came to a halt. My car is in the midst of repair (thanks to my SO). This week I’ve gotten to cruise around in his giant off roading Chevy truck. It is a heck of a difference from driving an Audi A4. Although, I do have to admit, I feel super sexy driving his truck. I get quite the ‘friendly eyes’ from the other men folk on the road and I like it. Ha ha. Small joys. However, I will be more than happy to get my car back. Even though my car takes the snooty premium gas, it is still cheaper than getting 9 miles per gallon in the monster machine.

Having the Monster Machine this week was a bit of motivation to get out and walk more. The other day I walked 3.5 miles to the Biolife Plasma Center and 3.5 miles back. That felt pretty amazing. Of course I set out around 530am before the heat kicked in. We might have had a different conversation, had I waited longer.

I did start my 5 day trial box of Nutrisystem the other day. I did end up having a pretty major set back due to FedEx constantly messing up my delivery for more chow. I’ve been waiting a week. So far they have screwed up 3 times. Either saying my address doesnt exist or the building was closed or customer not available. I’ve seriously been sitting in my living room each day waiting. I’m hungry. That’s a month’s worth of food i’m waiting on. RAWR.

The other day I finished my first week of the “Couch to 5k” app I downloaded. Yayyy. I’m not much of a runner at the moment, but I am hoping to change that. The app is an 8 week training plan 3x a week. So far I have been going out for my runs at 230am. This seems to be the perfect time because it is after bar close (so all the hoot n holler folk are gone), There are more cops patrolling because they are on the lookout for DUIs (More cops around makes me feel safer in the dark), It is still dark (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DONT LOOK AT ME WHEN I RUN. IM SELF CONSCIOUS AF), I’m trying to keep on my third shift sleep pattern (days off always screw this up), and it is the perfect temperature.

I can’t wait til June starts and I get to see my personal trainer 3x a week instead of the normal 2. I’m so excited semester is over so I can finally put all my focus on me! Self Improvement Summer! It’s gonna be great and you guys will be along for the ride with my updates, rants, tears, fears, and joys. As always.

Hope everyone is doing well


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Just when I thought things have to start turning around…

My car breaks down….fuck.

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The combination of work stress, high hopes, rejection, tiredness, and all around self loathing is too much to bear. Now to figure out what to do about it.

Hey everyone!

It feels like it has been forever. I’ve been an awful concoction of busy and too painfully depressed to want to exist in humanity.

I’ve been stressed about my current job. Mainly because I hate it… I shouldn’t, but working with a dementia patient can feel like ground hog’s day. Some days I just don’t have it in me to do that dance.

I tried my best to get a better job. I applied for a 911 dispatcher position. I got the call back, took their 3 hour exam to ensure I was a good candidate and passed. I had a follow up interview about 2 weeks after. Super pumped, super hopeful. I wore a super fly suit and looked executive AF.

The interview was a panel interview. I was at the head of a table that consisted of the sheriff, 4 sheriff’s department personnel, and an officer. Nothing tests your bladder like interviewing in those conditions.

Unfortunately last friday (after a long and irritating NOC shift that left me at the end of my rope), I received my letter of rejection in the mail. I had a super hard core breakdown. I couldn’t stop crying, even though I so desperately wanted to. The combination of work stress, high hopes, rejection, tiredness, and all around self loathing was too much to bear in that moment.

It seems like whenever I have a mental collapse, it is right before I have something on the schedule to do. I was in tears and I had 45 mins to collect myself before it was time to see my trainer.

So I did what I do in times of unbearable stress: wall assisted handstands. There’s something about all of my blood rushing to my head while trying to hold myself up. I find it to be oddly tranquilizing.

I spent maybe 10 minutes doing handstands trying to collect myself. Some luck. Not much. I drown my eye balls in eye drops and sat with a bag of frozen food on my face to calm the redness.

After finally catching my breath, I bounced on my mini trampoline to distract my brain from breaking down.

I did my workout with my trainer, showered, got some friday fish with my SO and then bombed myself out with sleeping pills because I didn’t want to exist anymore.

I’ve been increasingly depressed over the past few weeks. I bumped up my anti-depressants to their previous higher dose. This time taking twice daily instead of all at once, which made me sick. We will have to see how that goes. I really hate having to deal with medications. It’s less of the medications and more of the inconvenience on my lazy ass. Working overnights screws with the body’s ability to set a pattern.

I will be working on setting up a more direct schedule.

For now, I’m pretty much laying low on the prospect of finding a different job. School is almost over for the semester, and I need to begin to develop healthier patterns.

Stress, depression, and messed up sleep have taken a toll on me. I’ve gained a few pounds and feel extremely dysmorphic about my body.

Once school is out I will be bumping my PT up to 3 times a week. I also downloaded a “couch to 5k” app that I am committing to. So, I will be getting my cardio in 3x a week as well. I used to be a runner… ish. I’d like to get back to that. I haven’t quite discovered my niche yet.

As for my other problem, my diet… I purchased a jumpstart kit from nutrisystem to see if that is something I could find myself committing to. There’s always something defeating about giving into what seems to be a fad diet, but the combination of desperation and my hate for grocery shopping and cooking has made it seem worth a try.

I have a goal weight of 140 pounds.

That was the weight I felt I looked best at. My lowest weight was 120 when I was on speed and I was too bony. My highest weight is 173, which is right now. I feel disgusting. A year and a half ago, I was 150. I jumped from a BMI of 23 to 28 point something.

I have also set up an appointment with my primary care to get an official BED diagnosis and hopefully some sort of appetite suppressant.

Living in a constant state of self-loathing is getting old.

Very old.

Hope every one is having a good week. ❤




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My Weekend Manic Wore Off & Now I’m Coming Down.

For some reason I am having an incredibly hopeless moment. It started kicking in a few hours ago and now it seems to be running rampant. I feel like the shell that is meant to protect my soul has cracked and all of its contents have dumped on the floor. I really want to sleep right now. Unfortunately I can’t because I am stuck at work.

I was thinking about my attempts at advancing in life and all that did was make me question what the point in all of this is.

Right now, I am working and I am schooling… For what? What if I finally make it to where I am trying to be? Will I be content there? Or will I have that emptiness seeping into my veins and hiding in my brain once more?

Does anybody else get these thoughts?



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Took my exam… Fingers crossed.

I took my 3 hour exam for the 911 dispatch position. Word is emails will be sent by the end of the month to see who makes it to the second round. I’m fairly confident in my competencies but of course I’m naturally going to have my doubts. I’m hoping this month passes quickly!

I hope everyone is having a good week.



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