Hi everyone. Let me tell you a little about myself.
I am a recovering substance addict. I have been sober for three years. Currently I am in college to become a substance abuse counselor.
Although I seem to have grips on that type of addiction, I am currently having struggles with an eating disorder. I have binge eating disorder.
I try and pretend it is not taking over my life, but it is. There are times I feel tremendous guilt over my disorder, more so than not. I understand the roles of addiction and I understand the steps to try and overcome addiction, putting them into play in a scenario other than drugs is hard. Food is everywhere. Gluttony is seemingly more socially acceptable.
I currently exercise regularly to try and combat the calories, but all that does is throttle the gains instead of prevent them.
It breaks my heart to see pictures of a skinnier self. I am at a healthy weight…well, a few pounds extra. I look very average. Not too big, not too small, although everyone is entitled to their opinion.
Part of the reason I feel so huge is because when I was an addict I was down to 120 pounds. Very bony, yet muscular. I was a size 5 in pants. If I made a window with my thumbs and middle fingers touching each other I could fit my thigh in the middle. I rarely ate and exercised often. Speed kept me moving and pretty… and also a bit insane.
Today I am no where near that. I am sober and my body has recovered from it’s pharmaceutical torment. My usual weight is around 140 pounds. Nowadays the scale reads 160-165. The binge eating began a year ago.
It’s horrible because the more I think about trying to stop, the more cravings I get. I tend to be very all or nothing. Moderation has never been my companion.
I’m hoping by engaging in a supportive community I can find some sort of help, or maybe even that I could be of help to someone else. Who knows? All I know is writing this right now feels pretty good, despite how vulnerable I feel.
Wishing you all the best,