I wasn’t quite planning on writing anything, but something came up. A few minutes ago. I’m trying to breathe. I’m having a bit of a panic attack and so far this is the only thing I can do to help calm myself down.
I feel scatter brained. I feel like I am going to vomit. I feel like the air in my lungs is a lie. I have the shakes.
A few years back my best friend was a dude. We did everything together. We shared our lives, our secrets, our ipods, our everything. He was the type of friend that was like a brother to me. I couldn’t have pictured not having him in my life. We had so much fun and got into so much mischief. The type of mischief you would think would be exclusive to frat boys. It was the type of friendship that was so rugged I would sometimes forget that I was a girl. Sports! Wrestling! Throwing knives! Legos! Chain smoking in the garage (I was a heavy smoker back in the day. I haven’t smoked in over a year now. If any of you readers can quit, I strongly suggest it. I used nicotine patches for a few years. They are hard to get off of. I managed to quit the patches after acquiring an illness that left me too tired to change my patch for a few days and that was enough to not need them anymore. Anyway, I digress…)!
Our friendship ended swiftly when he crossed some major lines in regards to my physical boundaries. I really do not want to go into details. I honestly had this memory packed away in bubble wrap, duct tape, and a combination lock box in the catacombs of my brain. I thought it would stay safe in there, but I was wrong.
I just opened my Facebook to find this message in my inbox…
“I wronged you. Years ago I touched you when you didn’t want to be touched, in a way that you did not want to be touched even after you told me to stop. It was rape. I did it because I was an insecure little boy who was afraid of not getting attention from an attractive woman. I made you feel unsafe because of my insecurities. I should have been a friend to you, treating you like the valuable person that you are. I have since learned how to handle my insecurites, and I don’t ever want to touch a woman like that again, or make someone to feel unsafe because of my insecurity. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
SO MANY EMOTIONS ARE HAPPENING.
I WASN’T READY FOR THIS.
I do appreciate that his wrong doing echoed a sense of regret through time. I really hope that sticks with him forever. I do not want what he did to be repeated on any one else. Male or female. I wish that there was never another person in history to feel the way I did and do now.
I didn’t know what to say to him, but I knew that I needed to respond some how. I didn’t want to give him hate, because I have to respect the courage it took for him to admit that he was wrong. I’m not entirely sure why he decided to contact me now, after four years.
Has this been bothering him for four whole years? Did it just come to mind? Is he in a recovery program that suggests getting a hold of people that have been wronged over the years and apologize? Did he have some sort of religious experience that made him realize he needed to come to terms with his transgressions? I DON’T KNOW. I DIDN’T ASK. I DIDN’T WANT THE CONVERSATION TO GO ANY FARTHER THAN WHAT I RESPONDED.
“I appreciate the apology and am thankful that you realized what you did was wrong. I am sincerely glad that you have learned from your mistakes and have developed better mechanisms for handling your insecurities.”
…… I just don’t know anymore.
Thanks for listening, friends. I needed that.