It may just be from my sleep pattern getting messed up but I woke up feeling like I hated everything. These feelings come and go every now and again. Usually in blocks. I’m hoping this block is shorter than ones in the past.
Every time I wake up like this I have to deeply evaluate what could be the root cause. It’s so much easier to just accept that I woke up sad, anxious, cranky, etc. but it does me no good.
Stressor #1 – School
I love my future career path. There are days where I go through job listings in my field and feel defeated at the majority of the listings that require bachelor’s and master’s degrees. Right now I am a half time student going for my associates degree.
Class started last week and I was so happy to be reunited with some old mates from class during the previous semester. We all chatted and hugged and caught up on lives and schedules. Some are now full time, others still half or part time.
It was a bit of a heart cruncher to know that our individual needs will eventually separate us academically. Mainly, it brings that uncomfortable feeling of being left behind. Going to school half time lasts twice as long as full time therefore some of my mates will be long gone before I get my bearings. I am happy for them, but sad for me. I learn with some really intelligent forward thinking individuals that will be a great asset to any recovery program. Someday I will get there too. I will just have to keep my attachments in check in the mean time.
The other stressor with school is just doing it. I tell myself every day that I will read this and do that and write this and discuss that. I start off well, but next thing I know there is Bludgeoning Angel Dokuro-Chan on my YouTube. How? I honestly don’t put any conscious thought into diverting my attention. I pretty much realize it after the fact.
This morning I spent a few hours avoiding my thoughts by playing on the PS4. I’m not a gamer. I’ve actually only played the PS4 once. I got it for my SOs birthday (Girlfriend brownie points) and played Call of Duty for maybe twenty minutes. It only involved me confusedly running around virtual reality while frantically screaming like an excited girl in actual reality. I’m loud.
This morning I decided I needed to play the game “I am bread”. It is literally a game about a slice of bread going through a bunch of obstacles in order to get to a heat source to toast himself on. Yep. That’s my life. BUT IT WAS AWESOME.
Stressor #2 – Them there wicked cotton currencies.
So many expenses. So little dollars. Something pretty much everybody in history can relate to so I’m not going to get all boo-hoo about it. I’m just going to acknowledge it as a stressor.
Stressor #3- So much house work. So little time… or sleep.
My house is clean for the most part. I’m really not home enough to thoroughly tear it up. I just have a few projects I would like to do… and some laundry…. and some grocery shopping. Those last two things refer back to stressor #2 though.
Stressor #4- Work-
I’m starting to feel like I just don’t care anymore. I love my clients, it is just getting old. Dealing with the same old filled depends, dementia hallucinations, choking hazards, med passes and resistant behaviors can be tasking over time.
I applied to another job a few hours ago. I applied for a biolife position. I’ve been wanting to work there for a while.
I also filled out some paperwork to possibly be an egg donor. That’s more of a possible crutch to help stressor #2 than a job switch. Honestly, I never plan on having kids. Ever. Buuuut, I do have to say I am mighty fine and it would be a shame to waste this precious precious DNA.
Stressor #5- Insomnia-Hypersomnia
It’s getting old. I think I just need to be a day walker again. See stressor #4.
Stressor #6- Little stupid stuff that pops up out of no where.
We all have this. The little stupid day to day stuff that makes you want to claw your eyes out and scream.
The other day a chunk of ice escaped the roof of a semi in front of me on the interstate. It met my windshield at 75+ miles an hour. I am now the proud mother of a spidering german windshield… Blarg. See stressor #2.
Stressor #6.5- Sexual frustration
I love my SO with my whole heart and beyond. Unfortunately his current necessary prescriptions prevent him from fulfilling certain tasks other men can’t live with out… and from what i’m learning… women also. This can be extra tormenting during peak hormonal times and generally most of every other time… He’s super drool on yourself in awe gorgeous…. Sigh.
Writing this does help, though. Thanks for listening everyone. What kind of stressors have y’all been going through lately?
Special shout out to Anna from https://undiscoveredandexposed.wordpress.com/ whose blog inspired me to decorate mine in a similar manner. I love it.