It feels like it has been forever. I’ve been an awful concoction of busy and too painfully depressed to want to exist in humanity.
I’ve been stressed about my current job. Mainly because I hate it… I shouldn’t, but working with a dementia patient can feel like ground hog’s day. Some days I just don’t have it in me to do that dance.
I tried my best to get a better job. I applied for a 911 dispatcher position. I got the call back, took their 3 hour exam to ensure I was a good candidate and passed. I had a follow up interview about 2 weeks after. Super pumped, super hopeful. I wore a super fly suit and looked executive AF.
The interview was a panel interview. I was at the head of a table that consisted of the sheriff, 4 sheriff’s department personnel, and an officer. Nothing tests your bladder like interviewing in those conditions.
Unfortunately last friday (after a long and irritating NOC shift that left me at the end of my rope), I received my letter of rejection in the mail. I had a super hard core breakdown. I couldn’t stop crying, even though I so desperately wanted to. The combination of work stress, high hopes, rejection, tiredness, and all around self loathing was too much to bear in that moment.
It seems like whenever I have a mental collapse, it is right before I have something on the schedule to do. I was in tears and I had 45 mins to collect myself before it was time to see my trainer.
So I did what I do in times of unbearable stress: wall assisted handstands. There’s something about all of my blood rushing to my head while trying to hold myself up. I find it to be oddly tranquilizing.
I spent maybe 10 minutes doing handstands trying to collect myself. Some luck. Not much. I drown my eye balls in eye drops and sat with a bag of frozen food on my face to calm the redness.
After finally catching my breath, I bounced on my mini trampoline to distract my brain from breaking down.
I did my workout with my trainer, showered, got some friday fish with my SO and then bombed myself out with sleeping pills because I didn’t want to exist anymore.
I’ve been increasingly depressed over the past few weeks. I bumped up my anti-depressants to their previous higher dose. This time taking twice daily instead of all at once, which made me sick. We will have to see how that goes. I really hate having to deal with medications. It’s less of the medications and more of the inconvenience on my lazy ass. Working overnights screws with the body’s ability to set a pattern.
I will be working on setting up a more direct schedule.
For now, I’m pretty much laying low on the prospect of finding a different job. School is almost over for the semester, and I need to begin to develop healthier patterns.
Stress, depression, and messed up sleep have taken a toll on me. I’ve gained a few pounds and feel extremely dysmorphic about my body.
Once school is out I will be bumping my PT up to 3 times a week. I also downloaded a “couch to 5k” app that I am committing to. So, I will be getting my cardio in 3x a week as well. I used to be a runner… ish. I’d like to get back to that. I haven’t quite discovered my niche yet.
As for my other problem, my diet… I purchased a jumpstart kit from nutrisystem to see if that is something I could find myself committing to. There’s always something defeating about giving into what seems to be a fad diet, but the combination of desperation and my hate for grocery shopping and cooking has made it seem worth a try.
I have a goal weight of 140 pounds.
That was the weight I felt I looked best at. My lowest weight was 120 when I was on speed and I was too bony. My highest weight is 173, which is right now. I feel disgusting. A year and a half ago, I was 150. I jumped from a BMI of 23 to 28 point something.
I have also set up an appointment with my primary care to get an official BED diagnosis and hopefully some sort of appetite suppressant.
Living in a constant state of self-loathing is getting old.
Hope every one is having a good week. ❤